Forgiving Myself

Do you ever have those days where you’re just in a really bad mood? You are filled with anger, guilt, sadness, sorrow, and pity? And do you ever find yourself blaming no one, but yourself? I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have felt these negative emotions within my soul, body, and mind. Want to know a confession of mine? I have depression. That is partially the reason behind these negative emotions within me.

 

{Side note: I have never been formally diagnosed by any medical professional that I have depression, but after talking with family, friends, and even strangers, I’ve come to accept the fact that depression is something I have that is quite obvious.}

 

On March 28th, 2017, I decided to take my life. (Obviously, it failed because I would not be here to write this post today.) I chose to take my life because of these emotions that rode away the goodness in my life. The negative energy was so strong, that thinking back to that day, I cringe and feel like a fool for attempting suicide. On that day, I remember feeling so broken and alone that I felt like my only choice was to leave the world forever, so that is exactly what I attempted to do what I did.

 

When I continue to think about how I almost gave my life away because of all these negative emotions in my life at the time, I feel so so so stupid. I always hear a second voice in my head asking “why”. To this day, I cannot even give a specific reason on why I attempted to commit suicide. When I think about my reason, it’s honestly just a reason with what seems to be many little excuses. Luckily, I haven’t had much people who have asked about that incident since I came home from the hospital. To be honest, being a Hmong person in general and attempting to commit suicide, it seems to be such a taboo or forbidden topic within the everyday conversations– actually, just forbidden in any conversation. Hence, this is probably why I haven’t really had to explain my situation. But of course for those who know about my incident, like my “friends” on Facebook and my actual close friends and family members, they’ve asked me for details and a reasoning behind why I chose to attempt suicide. Strange enough, when I try to think back to that day and share the details, it all becomes a blur. I studder so much telling about that day that I feel like people don’t even believe me because I constantly have to pause and rethink if what I am about to tell others is true because of course I do not want to tell them the wrong things. Therefore, I’ve just never really been able to truly share that day with anyone, sadly.

 

I would go into details about March 28th, 2017, but that is most likely going to be saved for another blog post. I bring up depression and suicide because I want today’s blog post to be about forgiving yourself, or how I’ve learned to forgive myself specifically. After such a traumatic event, the path to forgiveness has been a roller-coaster of emotions for myself and the people I love in my life.

 

I remember not even thinking about forgiving myself within the first week of me being released from the hospital. I was so ashamed, I tried to hide myself from everybody for that week. I did not want to deal with people speaking of forgiveness to me because I wholeheartedly knew I was never going to forgive myself. But after that week, I gave in and opened up about forgiveness to many people who love me so much. It was then that  I realized how much love these people who I call my boyfriend, family, and friends, gave me, that I realized, this was simply something I could not control because my emotions were unstable. Day by day, week by week, month by month, I put myself on this path to finding forgiveness. As it reaches the fourth month anniversary since my incident, I feel like I have forgiven myself for what I did on that day. I’ve spent countless days and nights crying because I was so lost on this path of mine, but to be surrounded by great people who showed that they care for and love me so so sooo much, I found forgiveness, and I could not be happier about that. Here I was feeling so ashamed of myself and telling myself I would never forgive myself for almost taking my life, but months later, I have learned to accept the past, move on, and simply forgive.

 

This journey of life is not easy, and along the way, we always forgive in order to move on each day, and that day was simply one of “those” days. Forgiveness is something that definitely takes time and takes a lot of courage, but it truly is what helps bring back that goodness again.

 

I am that living proof for I have received my goodness back.

 

-Little Gao